"I can’t be with you now": why give hope?
Why we are the case "on the hook" – and, most importantly, the Cams are not averse to the hook of one who is not indifferent to us? Perhaps the case in new ways to communicate: it facilitates constant contact with "spare options".
In the fifth season of the most popular comedy series "How I Met Your Mother" is an episode with the characteristic name "on the hook". Throughout the series, the heroes are divided by stories about how, being in someone in love, remained for the objects of their frills only by spare options. They did not speak solid "no": in each story, the same universal phrase was repeated for all the freasses: "I can’t be with you … at the moment".
Pass the tests
The series, of course, is dimly ridiculous, but with such histories, albeit in such a hyperbulsed form, many have come across in life. And for sure they will confirm that in fact, to remain a "spare option", there is nothing more fun. Recently, this phenomenon attracts more and more attention to psychologists and even honored the special term "backbering" (from English Put On The Back Burner – to postpone on then, keep about stock).
Why we can consist in a romantic relationship and at the same time from time to time carefully encourage some more fans or fans, even if there are no complaints about relations? Psychologists are nodding for evolution, which prescribes all Homo Sapiens to stay in constant (and far from always conscious) search for the best partner – to convey the following generations a set of the most.
But, on the other hand, the same evolution makes – and women first of all – to take care of the preservation of existing relationships: in order to ensure and defended the offspring, which the precious genes have already been transferred. The "investment model" of relations, which in many articles developed a social psychologist Caryl Robalt (CARYL RUSBULT), testifies against . The essence of her in the fact that the energy invested by us, time, and finances are also considered as an investment. And what they are more serious, the less we tend to expose risk and look for spare options.
"Beckberners" – who are they?
However, the first serious study of the "Backblow", undertaken by psychologists Jayson Dibble (Michelle Drouin), showed that the investment model does not work. Well, in any case, in modern relations, which are developing and supported in many ways with the help of the Internet. About 400 volunteers took part in the experiments – both in the permanent relations, and at that time "free" 2 . And it should not be surprised: to have an option about the supply – not the prerogative at all of those who spend most of the time with another "option". Psychologists approached the question seriously and firstly determined what "backbering".
So, first of all, "spare options" are those with whom you currently do not have a romantic connection. That is, the intrigue on the side does not go. At the same time, if you sometimes see in the dreams of your former classmate or cute cousin of an old girlfriend, but it is limited to dreams, then you can not talk about anything else. Spare – this is the one who languishes with experiences, loses hope and ready to quit everything, but exactly at that moment suddenly receives the message "Hi, how are you?". Everything that is enough to continue to stay on the hook. Key factor "Backback" – Communication. Quite innocent, but still existing. Actually, it is her first and foremost to explore Jason Dibble and Michel Drin.
It is not difficult to guess that communication was almost completely electronic. 45% of the participants recognized as "spare", communicated with them mainly by SMS. 37% used social networks. Before the "old-fashioned" communications on the phone conceded about 13%, and another 5 was preferred by email, as well as communicating with Skype or Twitter. But surprised by the researchers not this, but the fact that no difference between the participants who consisted in relations, and declare themselves free, did not discovered at all. To keep their "spare" was equally inclined both those and others.