Protection of borders: why not suppress anger?
Anger. Very important feeling. Not to be confused with embitrability and with evil as a concept.
Where she is suppressed long, there is access to the energy of desires – I do not know what I want, there will be an experience in the time "I do not know who I am, I don’t know which I am", There are a variety of sores, if it is long and very carefully suppressed.
There are uncontrollable outbreaks of anything – total wines, read – angrily aimed at yourself, depression may form, there appears in the inner critic, which in a fatty troll set in the head and every step devices, keeps doubt on his own wellness and whatever to collapse from That’s all, projections arise into the outside world – all people become shit, the weather is also, yes, in general, a lot of things are immediately shit and injustice.
Where anger is suppressed, there are constant resentment, from which you can cry in the pillow at night, or walk with a often inflamed throat.
Anger – it happens different.
It happens as a valuable protection.
And it happens as a symptom that I am in something I don’t take responsibility for my life, considering that others should do the way I consider it fair and right that others should be clear what I mean, even when I do not speak it straight.
But in any case, anger is a regulator of its own borders.
Where anger is depressed, there is no clarity in the experience of one’s own borders. Throws in violation of other people, then in excessive bending.
Often they call anger "negative feeling", often think that you are angry – bad, stupid, meaningless, wrong, unlightened.
But it seems to me that the whole thing is to express anger – this is a whole skill that is small.
Often anger is considered dangerous – dangerous for a relationship dangerous to evaluate others (which people will think about me? I want to be "Good" in other people’s eyes. Yes, in general, there is a whole steam locomotive for this can be trapped).
Anger is a personal teeth.
They can chew what is useful.
They can protect themselves.
They can express themselves.
The question is not to be angry or inhibit your anger. The question is how to express your anger.
When I worked with children, for many of them was a whole discovery that you can express your anger in words "I’m angry now", "When you take away my toy or collapse my buildings, please my drawings, I’m angry, I feel it unpleasant, please do not do it, otherwise I relieved you / I will swear with you / I will not trust you".
Until that, the only way to protect yourself and express anger was to take a toy, spoil the drawing in response, to hit, call, roll the hysteria, and once, the boy suffered, and then I took a knife and rushed on my offender.
Parents who also never taught to express their anger, have grabbed the heart, knew shame, shouted on their children, forced to stop it = to suppress their anger. After all, that people will think?
Few people taught us to recognize their anger: "You’re angry now, because Vanya took your toy. You have the right to be angry and talk about it: "I’m angry and I do not want you to take the toy, return her".
"Beam you do not need to beat, it hurts. But you can care about yourself with the designation of yourself and warnings that you will do if Vanya does not hear you and will continue".
Or "You are angry now, because you want to continue to play, but it’s time to finish the game. I notice you in your anger. But I don’t need to beat me for it, I hurt and I will not allow myself to beat. You can talk about your indulgence and worry her. I see that you do not want to finish the game. But these are the rules, nothing can be done here. We must leave, no matter how hard it".
Anger is a way to understand yourself. Way to feel your importance.
Anger – she is always a marker of something important. And, as a rule, is a wrapper for deeper feelings and experiences. But not aware of anger, we misunderstand the boxes with this wrapper called "anger", not knowing what inside these boxes. And there are often jewels, called "My values". Giving yourself the opportunity to feel anger, living her, we remove these wrappers, exploring what they are wrapped in them.
Accommodate anger is not equal to beat in the face, offending, handle everything around yourself. Live anger – it means to stay in contact with this feeling, give him a place as much as you need. Take care of the safety of your and surrounding.
Insult a person and mean yourself "I’m angry when you are doing so" or "I’m going to you now and I am ready to continue the conversation when I calm down" – These are completely different things.
For in the first case (in insults), the excitation is overwhelmed on which the actions of which you can regret "Przresvev" from anger.
In the second case, there is a clear designation of yourself and the dismisure of yourself spaces for aging anger in any other quality. For example, in awareness of value is not allowed to insult oneself.
Or in the experience of regretting that it is very grieving from the fact that everything happened not as I wanted.
Or enduring the value of relationships with this person. Or in the awareness of what actually lives his own fear under this anger or vulnerability.
Anger is a faithful dog, which is always guarded by the security and values of its owner. It is only important to tame, make friends with this dog.
P. S. And yes, by the way, where anger is depressed, there are fertile soil for the dependent relationship.