What does teen silence say

What does teen silence say

Many of them are hard to tell parents even a couple of phrases. Why do teenagers refuse to communicate with us, what is the meaning of their silence? And most importantly – how and when we should break it?

A quiet noise in the hallway, Olga looks out of the kitchen and sees her eldest son, throwing sneakers, removed by the corridor. Hello it is useless: he has already left and will not hear. Click: The door in his room closed, because of her a loud music sounded.

All this means that 15-year-old Anton returned from school where he spent most of the day. Olga sighs: "And so every day. Playing in Molchanka. Silent in Seattle. It is necessary: ​​for the year grew by 15 centimeters and lost 90% of words that once knew! If during the day we hear "hello", "dinner soon?"And" Switch to football ", in the house holiday".

However, Olga was still lucky: some teenagers do not communicate with parents for two to three weeks. The age psychologist Galina Burmenskaya often has to hear similar stories.

"Teenagers are loaded with their experiences, their own rapid growth, restructuring in the body. Focused on himself and their internal problems, the child is moving away from parents. That is why a couple of questions about dinner, television or computer – it has already been a lot, especially if they are guessed by the desire to calm parents, let them know that everything is in order ".

Why it happens?

Starting from 12-13 years old, adolescents are gradually moving away from their parents: they prefer communicating with peers. Such a model of behavior arose relatively recently, as well as the concept of "transitional age" – the transition time (often difficult) from childhood in adulthood.

"Of course, the conflict of generations always existed," says Galina Burmnskaya. – But life was still different, the teenagers needed more joint efforts with parents: they were relied on economic affairs and in the education of younger children ". For the 1960-190s, a separate teenage and youth culture arose with its main attribute, rock music.

"Music displaced the words: instead of relationships with parents, young people began to build a relationship with their time," says Sociologist Michelle Piz. In addition, the cargo of home worries has become much easier thanks to the technique for the house, and therefore the real need to attract adolescents to the household side almost no.

Mobile phone, TV, gaming consoles, computer with an Internet in a teenager’s room "Expand the ditch separating children from parents," Galina Burmarian believes. – Adults inevitably lose their credibility and significance, but peers with similar problems, questions and interests can understand and divide the experiences of each other ".

Wield the right to a personal space

In itself, the unwillingness of the child is to communicate with us – not yet reason to worry. The teenager’s closure is the reverse side of that storm that raises him inside. It is difficult for him to call everything new things that happens to him.

"The body is changing, the perception of what is happening, the past views are criticized, finally, he first seriously falls in love … Sometimes the child is so focused on the problem that he is simply not ready to discuss her. Or maybe he is shy or afraid that it becomes freezing what concerns his one, "explains Galina Burmar.

To grow up, build yourself, the teenager needs a shirma separating him from parents. It can not be solved for it, and then his "I", inaccessible for other people’s opinions, can mature, relying on his own experience, own solutions and mistakes.

"Parents want a teenager to be transparent to them, they certainly listened to them. They are not just talking to him, but trying to influence, seek, criticize. and surprise that communication does not develop, – says Galina Burmar. – When adults are explained in the rustling of their own right, "how correctly" and "as it should", they cause a fierce teenager resistance, because they deprive his life, senses of self.

At this age, he begins to try a lot, experiencing a lot of inconvenience, delight and uncertainty … But this "flight" is interrupted when mom and dad begin to "learn live". It turns out that silence in most cases is just a way of coexistence, preserving itself and relationships with others. ".

Speech is the area where an adult is always stronger: the child takes a tongue from parents, in the dialogue with them learns to speak, it wants to separate from them, using the words taken in his circle. But we want to keep contact with your younger son or daughter. How best to build communication?

"There is no need all the time trying to get a teenager in the collision, get information from it at any cost. Try to share your experiences, ask the advice, tell me how you came to some decision. Among other things, you will show what words we can talk about feelings and experiences, and also convince him that you are interested in it that you appreciate and respect His advice, "- answers Galina Burmskaya.

What does teen silence say

By the way, Anton, Son Olga, does not at all consider himself a silent "It is not true that I do not talk to my mother, I just don’t want to tell her about everything. And I do not like it when our conversation suddenly becomes looking like interrogation, and even with charges. What remains to me? Just be silent – it’s easier to avoid disassembly. But I speak perfectly with friends and even with their parents. ".

This is quite natural: "extraneous" adult does not accept his actions (appearance, judgment) to heart, it is more restrained, delicate, does not condemn and does not require frankness … That is, does not do that so do not like our children.

When it’s time to worry?

"It is important to maintain a good relationship with friends of the son or daughter, – sure Galina Burmskaya. – If a reason for anxiety arises, you can ask someone from them that with him (with her) happens … "The situation is much more disturbing, when the teenager ceases to communicate even with friends, rejects what he loved before ..

If this is delayed, you may need a psychologist help. How to say a teenager about it? So as not to hurt him: Offer the child to go to him independently ("You’re already an adult and quite cope with yourself") or sign up for a consultation together, telling him that you are worried about your mutual alienation. In addition, adults also have something to learn: for example, active listening skills.

"They are indispensable for everyday successful communication. Actively listening means "return" to the interlocutor what he told you, calling his feeling, "says the psychologist Julia Hippenrater in the book" To communicate with a child. How?". – "You are distressed and angry", "You don’t like to go to school", "You do not want to be friends with those who offend you". Describing that you hear it and leave alone with your own experiences, you give him the opportunity to speak out and find your own decision of a difficult situation ".

Sold together

Let the silence of teenagers are quite natural, but how to be parents? What will help us keep the connection with those who elude us in silence? It is not worth looking for just verbal communication, sometimes enough joint classes: "I see you don’t want to talk now, – let’s just drink coffee (we go to the movies, you will prepare something for dinner)".

The ability to talk to each other – it’s not just the ability to pronounce words. This ability to organize the life of the family in a special way: trustingly, openly, goodwill. After all, in such a family, not only told, but also listen.

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