What does your anger say

What does your anger say?

Anger is known for the destructive strength and more often perceived negative. But, perhaps, with his help, the psyche tries to tell us something? We suggest to figure out what is hidden behind strong emotions and how to learn how to manage them.

Everyone has flashes of anger. Nahamili in transport, cut off on the road, the waiter confused dishes, the colleague did not fulfill the order, a close man did not put things in place. Sometimes a fairly minor reason to bring us out of themselves. In the rustling of emotions, we are able to sneak in response, break the dishes, loudly slam the door or even hit the offender. After often, I regret that the borders have passed, they have argued too much, caused harmless to themselves or others. Whether we have after that easier? Possible but not always. Furious, in a state of affect, we are weakly controlling ourselves and are not responsible for their actions.

What hides Growa?

Marshall Rosenberg, author of the book "Lifetime. Non-violent communication, "proposes to distinguish the reason and the cause of anger. For example, a colleague is late for a meeting. Most likely, we are nervous, experiencing discontent, because they were going to spend this time with benefit, discussed the details of the case. But another scenario is also possible. For example, we had a hard morning, and we need a little time before the meeting to come to ourselves. In the second case, we are not something that is not angry, but grateful to a nonpumbure colleague for the free half an hour, which allowed to relax and gather with thoughts.

The behavior of another cannot be the cause of indignation. As can be seen, late is only a reason for the appearance of both positive and negative emotions. Anger, provoked by external circumstances, is just a strong feeling, an alarm that the psyche sends. She warns: we are very much in need, but we can’t get it in any way. The sharper need or the longer we ignore it, the more difficult it will be "to keep yourself in your hands".

For example, if we are very limited in time and we will not be able to postpone the meeting, we will be angry stronger. Suppose this is the first late colleague, then it is easier for us to forgive nonpunctuality. And perhaps, we have been changing our schedule for the first time due to his recurring desets. In this case, keep indignation will not be easy.

After a long expectation, the colleague appears in the doorway. Most likely, we prepared an angry speech and rush to bring it on late. Hearing accusations, anyone is inclined to defend. Unfortunately, in this situation, the interlocutor is not ready to hear what we tried to tell him. He is visible and offended, even if he understands that it is to blame.

How to tame anger with benefit for yourself?

Marshall Rosenberg offers four steps that will allow express anger and at the same time declare a companion about unsatisfied need.

    What does your anger say
  1. Stay, take a deep breath. A small pause will help better understand your own feelings.
  2. Track the estimated thoughts. Most likely, angry and insulting statements come to mind.
  3. Try to understand what the need is hidden behind strong feelings.
  4. Share with an opponent with emotions, not accusing and not requiring. Tell me what you need at the moment.

It is important to learn to talk not in the prosecution language, but in the language of needs. Rosenberg indicates a typical mistake: we used to think "I’m angry, because they …" Instead, "I’m angry, because I need". We are really strong enough, but because we cannot quickly solve all business issues with a false colleague and continue.

If we want the second party to hear our need – and only this is how the chance will have a chance to change the situation in our interests, – Rosenberg advises to show empathy to the interlocutor. It is important to understand that the opponent feels, which forces him to behave. Only manifesting attention to the feelings of another, we can hope to be heard themselves.

Whether Rosenberg advice will help wrap the situation in our favor?

Perhaps reading recommendations, you felt doubts: will this model help force a person to act in our interests? We cannot change the behavior of a person until he himself wants to change.

Some are known to the techniques of manipulations, when, causing a feeling of fear or guilt in the interlocutor, we forced it to act in our interests. Perhaps this technique will help solve the momentary problem, but the conflict will still arise in the future, and in the most unpredictable moment. After a time, a person realizes that they are manipulated, and will try to get out of manipulation. He will save a long time to save and choosing a good moment, "return debts".

What does your anger say

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