What grew up, then grew up “Parents time to stop to blame themselves

"What grew up, then grew": it’s time for parents to stop to blame themselves

Thousands of sleepless nights, dozens of read books about the education of children, Early Development Methods, a personal example – whether all this helps to grow children with such as parents? Yes and no. Why is this happening and how to terms with it?

Yuko Munakata, professor of psychology in the center of consciousness and brain at the University of California in Davis, recalls, as one day, a student approached the course of education and children’s development. She liked the material, however she was waiting for the course to help her become an excellent mother in the future. Why she considered that the classes would not give it?

Because the teacher announced that he was going to tell students about how few parents actually affect who their children will be. In most parents (it doesn’t matter, they are young or at the age, they are secured or not very, married or divorced) want for children of the best. Dozens and even hundreds of books and articles on parents promise to teach them how to achieve it, how to cope with the challenges of education and make sure solutions. The key promise of such literature is: "If your child does not work something, it means that you do something wrong".

Wing with butterfly wing

Trying to predict how the child will grow, based on the elections that parents make, it is like to try to predict a hurricane, watching the wings of the Motyl.

In a number of sciences there is such a concept – "Butterfly Effect". A minor impact on the system can cause significant and unpredictable consequences, including completely elsewhere; So, "If the butterfly is waving wings in China, a hurricane will begin in Mexico" – not immediately, of course, and six weeks, if the strength of her wave is enough to change the atmosphere and the direction of air flow.

You, parent, is the same butterfly, and your child is a hurricane, the phenomenon of nature, from which the spirit captures. And you really affect what kind of person will be your child, but about the same extent, in which the wings of the butterfly affect the emergence of a hurricane. That is, essentially, but unpredictable.

You may ask: "Okay, what about successful parents whose children also became successful? Or needing parents whose children growing continue to live in need?»But it’s not just the parent talent (or absence of it). The formation of a child affects the lot of factors – genetics, environment, culture, peers. And it is very difficult to strip some one that has the maximum impact.

Such different children

Although scientists have tried to understand what exactly affects the children is stronger than all: they investigated twins (single-horse and divergent, a total of 14 million couples in 39 countries of the world), both brothers and sisters, which were raised together and those who adopted and brought up Different families. It turned out that even if the children grows under the same roof, it does not mean that they will be equally successful, happy and confident in themselves. What to say about those who grew apart.

Here it would be possible to come to the conclusion that the upbringing is not so important, but no. The fact is that all children are different, and in the same family one child may need a "hard hand", and for another unnecessary rigor and order will not benefit. One child is that parents often ask him about friends will be nice (mean they are interested in his life), and the second it will annoy. For one divorce of parents, there will be a tragedy for another – salvation.

Forgive yourself and others

Which of this can draw conclusions?

First, your upbringing affects the child, but does not necessarily make it look like you. With the same approach, the elder child can grow serious and purposeful, and the younger – naughty and freedom-loving. It is impossible to predict what will be the "fruits" of your upbringing.

What grew up, then grew up

Secondly, you should stop blaming yourself once and forever for how your child has grown. You influenced its formation, but could not fully manage it.

Thirdly, it’s time to stop blaming your parents in all my troubles. Who you became? – not entirely and completely their wines or merit. And, of course, it is important to stop blaming other parents. Today it happens completely and nearby: A study of thousands of parents revealed that 90% of mothers and 85% of fathers feel that they are condemned (both relatives and completely unfamiliar people), and almost half of them constantly feels. Even if you put out the maximum, you can not all please.

Live torment

You should not blame yourself. And what in this case should be done?

Appreciate moments spent with the child, enjoy your common "here and now". And not because it will somehow affect the child and your relationship with him in the long run, but because only it matters at that moment.

Activist, writer, author of the book "Hall Demon: Anatomy of Depression" Andrew Solomon somehow noticed: "Many of us are proud of how we are not like our parents, and at the same time they are unlikely that our children are not like ".

It is possible to stop feeling something similar, it is worth accepting the idea that we cannot control the future of our children. In conclusion, Yuko Munakata reminds us: to us, butterflies and hurricanes, it is worth focusing on what is really important in life. Stop waiting for something from each other and forgive each other for everything that the second side is most likely not to blame.

What grew up, then grew up

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