What prevents live today
Uploaded by work, tired of worries, we sometimes can’t fully engage in life right now. About how to overcome such obstacles, says psychotherapist Frederick Fangend.
- Stress and overload. At work and in communication with loved ones, we allow themselves to get into the traps of stress, overload, apathy.
- A vicious circle of thoughts and concern to the future. The load of the past, as well as concern for the future, prevent us from living in full life in the present.
- Meaning and sensation. If we are cut off from our physical sensations, it is more difficult for us to make sense of our own existence.
Psychologies: whether it is about overwork, about problems at work or in personal life, in fact we always suffer from a discrepancy with reality?
Frederick Fanj: More precisely, from the fact that you no longer feel the opportunity to influence the course of things. Many patients comes to me, who, according to them, do not have any interest in the real, nor pleasure from what is happening with them. Their lives either froze or goes in a circle. Anyway, she as if she lost its meaning.
Meanwhile, it seems to me that it is possible to enter yourself in the context of the present, it is due to the meaning that you attach. After all, the present did not froze, it has a speaker. This is not a photo, but the episode of the film, which can not be understood outliving with the previous and subsequent.
We will enjoy our existence only when we can transfer the bridge between the past and the future, to find the thread of what caused a response in us, and stretch it into the future.
Very often, this thread eludes us. Why?
Paradoxically, but sometimes precisely because of the huge number of plans, we lose touch with today’s reality. Stress gives many sensations (flattering for their self-esteem) that they are in demand and productive, and they are unsubstantiated pedals. But, bouncing a nose in the steering wheel, it is impossible to check with the card. As a result, a person begins to remove from the purpose that he has been put.
I have seen such a young man who came to me at the reception on the recommendation of his gastroenterologist. Classic way for those who live in constant stress. They have no time to go to the psychotherapist, so they wait for ulcers or heart attack to seek help.
As always in such cases, this young man worked as crazy so that the family does not need anything. He left home at five in the morning and rarely returned before nine in the evening. He had an exciting job, but in the end she began to seem absurd.
I advised him to record all my affairs and classes in a diary, to then determine which of them are really important to him. Very quickly became clear that he does not have time for the fact that he considered the most important thing on his own children. After that, he distributed his time differently.
About how new reality will change our everyday habits, we told in detail at the Psychologies webinar with the General Director of Baron in Russia, Irina Nikulina and a practicing psychologist, the Content-editor of the Psychologies project by Olga Kochetsky-Korean.
But it happens and on the contrary: inaction prevents enjoying life.
Our self-confidence fueled the feeling that we are in contact with reality, we can change it, be useful. But sometimes as a result of injury, because of ridicule or accumulated disappointments, we stop doing small steps towards new adventures, skills, joy.
When I come across such incidents, I try to show that inaction and self-esteem are fascinating us on the path of dissatisfaction. So we lose self-esteem and hope that the situation will improve.
It is important to start with a small, with minor actions committed in a friendly environment and do not carry a big risk. For example, if after the accident you are afraid to drive, you can start the engine to start, then just display the car out of the garage and call back.
There is no instant flawless result, but the ability to say to yourself: I tried something to do something. Then confidence returns, and with her and the taste of interaction with reality.
And how to be with the desire for perfection? It can also cut us away from the present?
Placing the bar is too high, we spend a lot of energy, continuously wanting to do better or achieve more. We are never satisfied with and sacrificing an unattainable ideal.
Perfectionists are often those who made the cargo of excessive parent expectations. Or, on the contrary, children who have grown in a too authoritarian environment: to avoid (psychological or physical) violence, they had to be impeccable, not delivered to parents.
Probably discomfort tested by perfectionists, partly explained by these efforts, which at one time they were forced to direct not exactly what they themselves wanted. Meanwhile, there is no only right way. Personality is easier to reveal when it moves in its direction.
I often suggest thinking about what: if tomorrow you had to die, whatever you wanted to do today? Instead of targeting the highest degree of perfection, you need to live closer to this urgent, powerful wishes.
Sometimes we seem to separate from the world something like an emotional screen.
Such emotional anesthesia is quite often. This is called freezing ("freezing"). For example, women who were raped, suggest that they have lost contact with their emotions, cut off from their physical sensations.
This is a way to protect yourself from reality that caused too much pain. It allows those who survived the loss, treason, strong flour, remove from life. They were so exhausted that they were afraid to rejoice at the present and to be attached to him so as not to suffer again. The wounds of the past should be bored, and then the present will stop scaring.
Lay in the past – another way to get rid of the present?
Need to find a golden middle. You can, of course, try to forget about the past and all start with a blank sheet. Some of it is even generally possible. But their incomplete wounds still make themselves felt. Permanent repetition of scenarios in which we get tied at times, sometimes serves as the symptom of this "unnecessary" past.
A young woman told me that he fell in panic whenever her partner was not near. When he was delayed, she thought: "He will throw me". At the session, she remembered the episode from his childhood. Once in the evening she woke up and found that parents left her one and went to the neighbors to drink on a glass. This fear of what will be thrown without warning, continued to poison her life.
Many of our current ideas are connected with the past experience we forgot about. He narrows our perception, and we do not even realize and, especially since we cannot comprehend this experience. When we return to it on sessions of psychotherapy, we can open new horizons.
So, not so rashly hope for a bright future?
This is not at all reckless, moreover, I would advise to strive for it. Dreams of best future make us move forward. But on the other hand, if we make a bet only for the future, our present becomes fruitless. Putting everything for later, we do not build anything here and now.
So very disturbing people behave, who are afraid of the consequences of their decisions. They do not marry, because the partner is not perfect, do not harde the children, because they are not ready, refuse to work, because they did not find themselves. In a certain sense, they have a lot in common with perfectionists, but their own uncertainty is paralyzed.
However, happiness does not happen by itself, it needs to be built, gradually changing something for the better. It is necessary to reflect on the direction in which we are moving in life to not too wander. But at the same time, you need to be able to sometimes stop asking yourself questions and live. Just live.
Each momger has its own reason
In the desire to achieve something important is not so much a goal as attention to this, the psychologist Robert Morker approves, the author of the book "A small step can change your life".
The path of the year begins with one step, said Lao Tzu. Based on this philosophy, Japanese enterprises that needed to restore the country after World War II, developed a "continuous improvement" strategy – Kaizen. Since then, it is used in all areas of life.
What is it? Do you want to lose weight for a few kilograms or quit smoking, everything starts here and now. Whatever the situation need to be improved, the curiosity and openness of consciousness are needed so that it can catch the promises that there are in every moment, "assures Robert Morker. This is an extra reason to focus on the present.