What would Freud say? Part 2
What would Karl Jung talk about your middle-aged crisis and buying the Red Ferrari? As if Burres Skinner explained why you do not dig up from your phone? Would like to contact Erich Fromma for help in finding real love?
It’s just a joke!
Being people, we constantly automatically "read" the reactions of others and respond according to the situation and their own current needs. But sometimes we choose a mixed message: for example, a verbal "joke" in the non-verbal level is far from humorous. So what happens?
Transferring a stratic statement to the rank "Only jokes" or "friendly ridicule" – a classic example of passive aggression, when the desire to prick a person is masked in such a way that the vesati could not find the reasons for complaints or revenge. It is essentially a powerful game that gives himself for a friendly exchange of courtesies, and for this reason some people of lower status find passive aggression so useful. If you declare your boss that it is excessively demanding, mindless dictatorship, you will have to pack your belongings. But, if you ignore a few of her letters and be late at the meetings, you can annoy it, but she is unlikely to answer you more than thickened eyebrows.
Recipients of passive-aggressive "jokes" are usually confused, which explains Cognitive assessment theory, Suggested by the author Cognitive theory of emotions Magda Arnold.
She claims that when we are faced with people and events in our lives, we evaluate how beneficial or harmful they are for us, and it causes a certain emotion in us.
Richard Lazarus took the next step, saying that there are two processes: we make a cognitive judgment (primary assessment) about what happens and what will result happen, and emotionally react (secondary estimate), which gives us a different form of a reaction based on feelings. Although Lazarus called these estimates Primary and secondary, They arise in random order, as the same source of thoughts and feelings acts the same event.
So, judgments about events seem very simple until, walking down the street, you do not overtake the cyclist, shouting on the go: "Hi! Great jacket, smart!". In response, the primary and secondary estimate system give a failure: your cognitive system picks up a compliment, but you have just called "smart" – it’s good or bad? It was a compliment or not? You are addressed for information to the secondary system – feelings, and it seems to be raised on the American slides, from joy to humiliation and back, having simping on the overall feeling of confusion. The evaluation system gave failure.
Since thoughts and feelings guide us in further actions, when they enter the dead end, we instantly cease to understand what to do. We are unable to give a guilty answer, because we do not know what it consists. This may follow the condition when you lose the gift of speech – this is usually for the victim of fleeting passive aggression.
Okay, everything is clear with me, but what’s wrong with him?
The term "passive aggression" is not very old, although it is likely that such a style of behavior existed for a long time. The term for the first time was offered American psychiatrists, which were faced with intractable, hostile, embittered soldiers who returned from World War II. They used the style of passive resistance and grinding pliability, and if they tried to talk to them openly, always under the favorable pretext they refused their words and actions.
50 years later, psychologists Theodore Millon and Roger Davis gave their vision of what happened. They suggested that in reality the problem of a passive-aggressive person – in the experience of deep mixing regarding himself and others, that before the oddity, it looks like naturally the challenge of a teenager. It usually fluctuates between the requirements of greater independence ("Leave me finally!") And needs depending on (" You can throw me to the house of Ben?"). Similar confusion manifests itself in passive-aggressive personalities as a bright answer to the requirements of other people, but in the form of resistance. This is like the ninth shaft of ambivalence, which freezes and at the same time collapses, and it is not surprising that the "recipient" of a passive-aggressive message may experience as conflicting feelings.
Aaron Beck, founder Cognitive behavioral therapy (CCT), suggested that a person showing passive aggressive behavior, believes: the direct settling of his "I" potentially catastrophically. He is convinced that if disagrees openly, it risks to lose independence. It is paradoxically, because often we just do not agree with other people we achieve independence. Therefore, he must disagree, to approve his independence, while it seems to agree.
Beck said that two key thoughts here: "No one should control me" and "if I give up, then I will lose control". Together they oblige a person not to give up, but at the same time he can act on the basis of the position of the forced concession.
Suppose you are passive-aggressive, and today a meeting is scheduled for which you would like to avoid. While you think about her, the boss passes by your table and says: "Be sure to come!"And now, instead of avoiding a meeting, you need to find a way to obey the authorities. You may come, but late or forget the laptop, which is required for efficient work in the team.
What if I passively aggressive?
In truth, almost all of we are sometimes passive-aggressive, and usually it happens in situations when we really want to please people or get their approval, but at the same time we are afraid that this feeling is the manifestation of their control over us. There is fear behind this, psychotherapists say, but Freud, most likely, would approach that it is rage, anger to an overly controlling figure from your past that insisted that you live in her rules. Fear stopped anger, as well as external fuism stops fear. "God right!"- you exclaim you, once again lay on the couch.