AS Seen On

By: Stephan Spencer


Miss Jaiya
“What are your partner’s fantasies? Create a safe space to talk freely and be accepting of each other’s fantasies.”
– Miss Jaiya

Today, I’m probing the brain of Jaiya, sexologist extraordinaire. I attended her workshop with my fiancée and was astounded by the deep understanding she has of human sexuality. She knows what people crave, why people crave it, and how to help people create a fully satiating sex life for themselves.

Because I’m sure you’re all dying to dive into this fascinating topic, I asked Jaiya to answer some of the tough questions that we all want to know about having awesome sex. This is a can’t-miss episode if you’ve ever wondered what it is that makes someone an awesome lover—and how you can tap into that power yourself. Whether you have a regular sex partner or not, there’s valuable insight to be gleaned by everyone. She covers how to fulfill your partner’s sexual desires, how to reignite passion into your relationship, the secrets of a 40-day sex challenge, and more.

Jump to Links and Resources

So I am so happy to have you on this podcast, Jaiya, thanks for joining us!

Hi, I feel so fortunate to be here. I should also mention that I’m a super sex geek, so I’m all about the Optimized Geek.

That’s awesome. We’ll be sure to talk about new ways to create techniques and styles and sex labs and adventure dates and some of the stuff you teach. We’ll definitely get to those topics. But first, if you could just share with our listeners, what’s your story? How did you end up doing a deep dive into sex?

Sex is a topic that filled all of my needs.

I often joke that it started in the bushes with “I’ll show you mine, you show me yours.” But I’d say a lot of my journey as a healer, “heal thyself” healer – you have something you need to heal from, and then you become a healer. First, it was healing my sexual shame, and healing some ailments that were happening in my body with fertility and female stuff going on down there. It turned into healing after a relationship, healing after having a baby, and so a lot of it is my personal journey of healing. Sex is a topic that filled all of my needs. So I absolutely was passionate about it from a very young age. One of my teachers said there are some people who are just gifted at drums; you came in erotically gifted. Although, I will also add to the mastery thing. I have a lot of time and energy into the study of sex. There is this mix of the two. I was fascinated by it. I told all of my friends where babies came fromI wanted to be Dr. Ruth. That was my inspiration when I was younger. I somehow must have seen her. I told my parents I wanted to get into fertility. That was sort of my cover for really wanting to teach people about sex.

That’s awesome. Well, we met at a Tony Robbins Platinum Partner trip, where you were teaching sex techniques and blueprints and all sorts of amazing stuff. That whole Platinum Partner trip was all about sex, intimacy, and relationships. We brought our significant others and we went through this whole experiential process, it was amazing. And one of the great gifts from that was meeting you. So, Tony does this thing of interventions – he’s just masterful at it. He takes someone who is suicidal or has a speech impediment and is stuttering, and right there in front of the whole audience, he is able to transform that person in like 45 minutes or something. It is phenomenal. You can do the same thing. You can figure out what a person’s sexual wiring is and how to best ignite their sex drive, and it is almost like a forensic analysis on their sex drive. Maybe if you could walk us through what those blueprints are and how we are wired differently.

One of the things I notice, when I was working on people’s bodies, are the archetypes or blueprints that started showing up.

Absolutely. So one of the things I love about Tony’s events is that I get time with the guys to just really take them through how to be really superhero sex masters in the bedroom and hacking the code of female arousal. One of the things I noticed – I have a specialized license that allows me to do more hands-on work – so one of the things I notice when I was working on people’s bodies, there are certain archetypes or blueprints that started showing up. These were keys to their arousal. For example, I had a guy at my table when I started really cluing into this. He couldn’t get erections, and his partner was there trying all this stuff, and well, it ended up where I just started hovering my hands, not even touching him, and he got an erection. And they both looked at me like “what’s going on?” – because he was one of these certain types. So when we tap in and tune in to these types, we are able to tap into arousal in a very very different way. It is kind of like cracking the code. If you take it a little further and actually stack these types on top of each other, then you’ve got the combination to a lock that opens up to unlimited erotic possibilities. So let me go through each one because I’m sure your listeners want to hear all about how they can crack the code for better arousal to their women or for themselves.

They need to find out which blueprint they are and their partner.

Yeah, so if you have a partner, really important. If you are dating, this is awesome because you can kind of look at people and go “Oh, I think they may be this blueprint, so I may approach them or speak to them differently than I would if I didn’t know this, I was just approaching them from my own language.” So think of them like languages.

If you are dating, this is awesome because you can kind of look at people and go “Oh, I think they may be this blueprint so I may approach them or speak to them differently than I would if I didn’t know this. If I was just approaching them from my own language.”

The first one is “energetic.” The energetic is like a beautiful Chinese calligraphy. The energetic is someone who is turned on by tease, anticipation, and space. They are going to be more turned on by you just very lightly running your fingertips over their skin and creating safety and boundaries, than going straight to their genitals. They may short-circuit if you go to their genitals too fast.

The next is the “sensual,” and the sensual is turned on by all of their senses being ignited. They love tastes, smells, touch, anything that brings beauty into a sexual experience. For a sensual, you want to touch them all over their body, not just the genitals. You want to go everywhere and you want to use oils and you want to use feathers. So, having a variety of sensation is really important for the sensual. Anything that stresses them out is going to keep them from a sexual experience and going deep into their pleasure. Thinking about bills, talking about logistics, having to put the kids to bed before you go to sleep, those are all going to set them off because they are going to be in their head, thinking, instead of in their body. For example, I had a client who, his wife is the next type, who was naked on the bed, and she’s gorgeous, she’s like a supermodel. He came into the bed, and all he sees are the socks on the floor. The socks on the floor make him think about the laundry that’s not done, the laundry that’s not done makes him think about the call he didn’t make at work, the call he didn’t make at work makes him think about 5,000 other problems, and before you know it, he’s not turned on, and she’s like “What’s the matter, why don’t you want me?”. So there’s a big disconnection happening there.

Having a variety of sensations is really important for the sensual.

The next type is the “sexual”. And the sexual love sex, they love nudity, they love erotica, and they don’t have a lot of hangups in their sexuality. In some ways, it seems very simple. I won’t say that it is always the case, but they seem very simple. They are more like an American English. The energetic is Chinese, the sensual is French, and the sexual is this American. We just seem plain and simple here. Very straightforward. Their shadow is that they have a very limited definition of sex, so there may be just one trajectory to sex. We live in a sexual culture, so I think a lot of men get sexual masking where they don’t know that there are these other blueprints that exist and other realms for eroticism and pathways to arousal.

The next one is the “kinky,” and the kinky is turned on by anything that is taboo. And the taboo is anything that is outside of your box, so that might be missionary position for some of my clients. That might mean having more of a psychological – so there are two different types of kinky – there is the psychological and there is the impact. The psychological is much more about the play, the “stand in the corner and don’t look at me,” “be a good girl,” that kind of psychological dominance or submission. And impact kinky is much more about the feelings and sensations of something. That might mean the feeling of the rope on their skin or spanking or something like that. So kinky has a wide range, and it plays more into the power dynamic and the container that is created through sexuality, and it being something that’s taboo for them.

The final one is the “shapeshifter,” and the shapeshifter is all of these. The shapeshifter needs all of them, wants all of them, enjoys all of them. Now a shapeshifter’s shadow – the shadow is the problem area in each one of these types. Shapeshifters are very complex, and if we were going to aim to be an amazing superhero awesome lover, it would be to expand your blueprint to becoming a shapeshifter so you can speak all of these languages and be able to please anyone in bed. Or have unlimited creativity in the bedroom.

The sexual loves sex, nudity, and erotica. They don’t have a lot of hangups in their sexuality.

So you mentioned shadows. Let’s delve a bit more into what the shadow side is of all of these blueprints, and when would the shadow show up instead of the vibrant full expression of that blueprint?

Sure, so energetic, the shadow is that they short-circuit because they are so hypersensitive. Their radio dial is all the way up, their antennae is all the way up all the time. So approaching them too quickly short-circuits all the circuitry. And we want to avoid that as much as possible. A lot of times energetics will have trauma in their history. They don’t feel safe. So, they have a hyper-vigilance going on of “I’m not safe, something’s not right here.” They are tuning in too much, which causes them to tune out. They will dissociate, they will fly out of their body, so they are not present during sex sometimes. They get hierarchical, so they get very judgmental. Meaning, oh well that is base. They tend to judge the kinkies as “Oh, well that is base sexuality. My sexual way is spiritual. I’m more connected. Sex is this gross thing.” They can get a bit in the hierarchical “Sex is bad if there is not this, love, soft, shanti-shanti yoga tantra” thing going on with them. I see that sometimes with energetic. It comes from trauma or it comes from a dogma that is a belief system, and it also comes from hypersensitivity. That would be the energetic.

Somebody you labeled as HSP, a highly sensitive person, could very well have an energetic blueprint.

Absolutely. When they are in the shadow, you really want to create a lot of safety for them and a lot of space and go very very slow. The next one is sensual, and the sensual problem areas I touched on a little bit earlier, and that is they get so stuck in their head. They have a really hard time staying present inside their body. Their monkey mind is just chattering, chattering, chattering, chattering, chattering away, and they can’t feel their partner in between their legs. If this was a woman, she would be thinking if their partner is going down on them, they are thinking “Oh, I hope it is okay down there, I hope I don’t smell. Wow, he has been down there a really long time. I’m taking too long to get an orgasm. Oops, I forgot the stuff on the stove. Oh, I better call Suzie back.” The mind just goes on this ramble instead of really staying in the body. The other thing is that they can seem very critical – if the music is not right. My partner is a sensual so he will get up sometimes in the middle of us having sex to go change the music. That’s crazy! But I know it is because he is the sensual, and he can’t focus on what he is doing because the music is so distracting. They can be very hyper-vigilant, noticing everything that is wrong instead of everything that is right. Their brain will go to criticism. They seem high maintenance. Like, “Oh gosh, we need the temperature right and the mood right and the candles lit” and all of those things. It can seem like a lot of work for their partners. They need everything to smell good and take a shower before sex. It seems like there is a lack of spontaneity with them because they have to have this transition into it. The conditions have to be right. The weather has to be favorable to the sensual who is deep in the shadow.

Men are focused on the goal, and women are broad and picking up sensory inputs from a lot of things.

And then also men and women are wired differently. Alison Armstrong talks about this, how the men are just really focused on the goal, and the women are broad and picking up sensory inputs from a lot of things.

Diffuse awareness, she calls it.

Exactly. Diffuse awareness, that is the phrase I was looking for. So, based on that wiring and having somebody who is sensual, you don’t want to have clutter in the room, you want to have candles and all that, otherwise you just killed it before it started. So please continue with the shadows.

So sexual shadow is one way. Too focused on the goal. They are too goal-oriented, and forget about the journey to sex. They tend to not want a lot of complicationsthey kind of just want to get to it. Let’s just get to the penetration. I’ll have a sexually wired man. Let’s say he is an older man who just had prostate surgery and can no longer get an erection. Now he just thinks his sex life is over because his one language is “Put the penis inside the vagina. Penis-inside-the-vagina sex.” Instead of a whole world of other things that can be expressed and explored through sexuality. So, there’s this idea that if the penis isn’t inside the vagina – and I’m speaking heterosexually – but for this blueprint that definition is very very limited and there’s this “If I don’t have an erection, if she’s not wet, if we’re not having orgasms simultaneously, then this isn’t an awesome sexual experience.” There’s a lot of limiting inside this shadow. A lot of “Ugh, I just don’t want to” – almost like selfishness, like “I just don’t want to do what it takes to turn you on. I just want to get to it and go from 0-60 in 10 seconds.” That works really well when you’re with another sexual; it doesn’t work so well when you are with another blueprint.

And that juxtaposes with say, The 5 Love Languages. If you speak mainly the “Acts of Service” love language, and ‘physical touch” is their language, there is this big disconnect. You’re expressing your love and you want to receive it not in the way they want to receive it. Sexually this can happen with wiring. You’re speaking your blueprint and not theirs, and they just don’t feel the passion.

The shadow of the kinky is deep shame.

Absolutely. That was actually a problem of mine. I had a partner that kept doing my laundry, and I’m like “Why are you not touching me?” Because I am touch. So the next one is kinky, and the shadow of the kinky is deep shame. Shame can show up in any blueprint, but this is shame that usually they hide their kinky inclinations. My partner is also a kinky, so he’s a kinky sensual, and he hid from me that he was actually super kinky. I mean, I knew that he liked some kink, but I had no idea to the extent to which his kink ran. He hadn’t really either because he was ashamed of it, and hadn’t really explored how deep his kinky was. It has been a journey for us as well. Shame, hiding, not expressing who they really are erotically. I had a couple, I think they had been married for over 40 years, and she had no idea until they came to a workshop that her husband was kinky. And he came out of the box and it was a whole thing unraveling. Because of course she was energetic and had a lot of judgment around the whole thing. We have that he finally came out, and she is in her shadow and he is in his shadow. We’ve got two shadows clashing, and that can cause a whole world of disruption in a relationship. But once it is all out on the table, boy, what a breakthrough that can come afterward. So kinky is shame, and that is usually the biggest thing they deal with. Other problem areas with kinky can be one route to turn on. Which can be when we fetishize something. For example, one client who could only wear a yellow raincoat to get aroused. So that becomes a problem when he is single, because when he has to explain to someone and say “Hey, the only way I can become aroused is wearing a yellow raincoat,” that might be a problem in his exploration with a woman. She might judge that as weird if she is energetic. She might be a shapeshifter and need other paths to arousal or she might get really tired of having sex with it on. So we have to explore these shadows and heal them.

Shapeshifter shadow is that they shapeshift into what everyone else wants and they never are their own blueprint. They might, if they have a partner who is sensual, shapeshift into sensual, and then the whole rest of their blueprint isn’t pleased, and they keep wondering, “Why am I not fed? Why am I not satisfied?” and it is because they need so much variety. When I’m working with a shapeshifter, I always wish I had 8 arms. Because it is almost like a bottomless pit, they just can’t get enough. They can’t get enough sensation, they can’t get enough touch, it literally feels like they can’t get enough, especially if they have been starved for a really long time and didn’t realize they were a shapeshifter. And then the other thing that may happen is that a partner may complain that they are very complicated and I would say they are just highly erotically intelligent and sophisticated, instead of complicated. I would reframe that, but sometimes with other blueprints they just seem like “Wow, they can’t get enough, I have to do all these things like circus tricks to please them.” I would say, no, they are just highly erotically intelligent.

And so if it is a shapeshifter you are dealing with, it can really benefit both of you to just ask them, “What are you feeling today? What do you want? Where are you at?” So we can pleasure that part that is hungriest.

A stack is a time progression throughout lovemaking.

Yes, so that is one way to approach it is, “Hey, what’s the hunger today, is it kinky, is it sexual, is it sensual, where are you?” and then there are shapeshifters who need a whole stack. So it is figured out exactly what their blueprint stack is. For example, my stack is energetic, sexual, sensual, kinky. My partner’s stack is sensual, kinky about the same, and then he is going to go into sexual and energetic. So we are absolute opposites. And so that is interesting, so that is really interesting to know when pleasing one another if it is a session for me, he is going to use my stack. If it is a session for him, I’m going to be more apt to use his stack.

So, a stack is basically a time progression throughout lovemaking. You start and you end somewhere, and during the spectrum you visit them in the order that feels most pleasing and exciting.

Yeah, and this could be your set is 15 minutes, and you spend 2 or 3 in each blueprint. Or, your set is 25 minutes and you spend 5 in each blueprint. Or, your set is an hour and you spend a lot more time in each blueprint. Really for me, it is 5 minutes of energetic, and I’m good. Now I’m turned on and we have gone from 0 to 60 and I’m ready for some penetration. And then after I’ve had some penetration, I might want to get more sensual or open up. Sometimes, we don’t even get to kinky with me because I’m not really a shapeshifter. I’ve moved into it because of the work that I do, but my true core is really energetic sexual.

So, it was a stretch for you to really delve into the kinky side because it was not natural to you. You ended up writing a book about it.

Fifty Shades of Grey by E L James

Yeah, my partner being kinky. After 50 Shades of Grey came out, my publisher came up to me and said, “Hey, we want to do a book on this,” and I was like, “Alright, I don’t know much, but I am willing to explore.” Part of my world is that I do hands-on exploration. I truly am a geek. I want to go in fully, go in fully not just reading about but checking it. I am always looking for “What’s the quickest, fastest way that I can learn this with the best results.” I went to some of the best people to learn, I apprenticed with a dominatrix. Through this, we found out how deep my partner’s kink really was, and there were some places I just couldn’t go with him. I wrote a whole book on the topic about my experience from finding out, “Wow, he’s just really really kinky” and I spent 40 days as a dominant to him, and 40 days as submissive to him. And boy, that was probably my favorite challenge we’ve ever done, but also the most challenging challenge we’ve ever done.

Cool. That book is called Cuffed, Tied, and Satisfied, right? My listeners, go check that out if this is at all of interest to you, especially if you were ever into 50 Shades of Grey. This is a must-have book. So, we talked about stacking. If you were to apply that process of taking them on a journey in these different blueprints in a focused, pleasurewave type of scenario. I’m using your terminology here. Could you describe for our listeners what pleasure-waving is and how awesome that is?

Cuffed, Tied, and Satisfied by Jaiya

Sure, a pleasure wave is really great for sensuals – I will just frame it that way but you can do it with any of the blueprints. A pleasure wave consists of what I call a SAAA, a SAAA consists of an S with three A’s after it. So the first piece is stillness. Stillness you can do with any blueprint. For an energetic, maybe you put their hand on their heart and another hand on their low belly and you just very lightly send energy through your hands. Or stillness for a sensual where you put your forehead against them or your whole body against them in like a spoon where you are getting much more body to body contact. Maybe you’re oiling and you’re just holding them with this oil drizzling all over you. That can be stillness for a sensual. Or maybe you fed them a strawberry and you are just being really still with them, allow them to savor the flavor that is in their mouth. So that’s sensual. My mouth starts watering when I talk about it. For sexual, you might cup your hand around their genitals and just hold their genitals. A kinky stillness might mean you’ve tied them up and now are just waiting in anticipation of what you are going to do to them. Stillness for a shapeshifter could be a combination of any of these, you could pretty much play with any of them depending on their stack. So, we start with stillness and that is the S of the SAAA. Then, we go into light arousal. This is body arousal. So what you are going to want to do if they are energetic is fingertips or hovering your hands all over their body, but you are not touching their genitals just yet. If this is a sensual, this might be whole-handed contour with oil all over their body, but again not touching your genitals yet. Kinky, you might play with some light impact or some psychological stuff, just tuning into some light arousal.

Then, you go back to stillness again. It literally is like a wave. Then we move back into light arousal level 1. Then we’ll maybe move into arousal level 2, which includes the genitals but isn’t focused on the genitals. So you’re going to maybe go into a long stroke if this is a sensual, from the toe all the way up to the inner thigh over her genitals or his genitals, up to the breast or the neck and down the arms. That would be a nice long level 2 stroke, A2 stroke, when you are going through and including the genitals in the touch but you are not lingering too long in the genital. Then we go down to do 2, might go back to 1 and stillness again. Then, finally, we are going to reach arousal level 3, which is the 3rd A, and 3 is where you start getting genital-focused. So you might start getting very focused on the clitoris, or very focused on the head of his penis, or you get very focused on licking her nipples. Arousal 3 is a higher arousal, we are building more toward climax, we are getting them closer to climax, and then we might stop and move to 2. It’s the ultimate tease because you are building arousal and then coming back down. So we are going through waves of excitement when you are building arousal and then enjoyment when you take it down. So when you take it down to stillness, it allows the body to assimilate, and then enjoy, which is really really important for an energetic, or the sensual, kinky too. Well, shapeshifter since they are all of them. All of them except the sexual need time to assimilate in their body, so this is really good for them. I’m going to ride from 3 all the way down to stillness. Sometimes my orgasm happens in stillness. We forget the importance of stillness within the erotic experience. So we really need to have that in our vocabulary when we are playing erotically.

We forget the importance of stillness within the erotic experience. So we really need to have that in our vocabulary when we are playing erotically. Click To Tweet

So cool. I can vouch for how powerful pleasure-waves are. So you have got to use those on your partner for sure. Another technique that you introduced me to that I’m a big fan of is bony handles. Could you describe this for our listeners?

Sure, so bony handles, they can go in any of the blueprints depending on your intention behind it, but the kinkies really seem to like them. What we do is we find big bony surfaces like the shoulders or the hip bone or the pubic bone or the center of the chest or the back of the head. These big bony handles. And why they are important is that they can down-regulate or up-regulate the nervous system. And what do I mean by that? I’m talking geeky here. Down-regulate is relaxing having somebody feel safe and like you’ve got them. It is really really important for the kinky and for the energetic that there is a safe container here and this person has got me. I can surrender and I can let go. It actually tells the body to take a nice big deep breath and to let go. They did research with cattle, I don’t know if you read any of that research, Stephan, where they press them before they kill them in the slaughterhouses, and they would calm down. The cattle would be freaking out, but they press them and this compression works on their entire nervous system. They started doing this with autistic people and finding that the compression down-regulated the nervous system. That’s part of where this research comes from. We can up-regulate the nervous system by having that person struggle against us, which kinky’s may love. Let’s say you’re holding their hips and you say, “Okay, try to get up.” I guess it can be kind of a fun struggle, a little bit of erotic wrestle. You can go across the body by holding the hip on the right side and the shoulder down on the left side and play with a little body-to-body erotic wrestling. That’s bony handles.

Another favorite there. So if somebody is learning this stuff, and they don’t know what works for them and their partner yet, having sex labs where you experiment and everything is wrapped around a safe container where it’s “Alright, that didn’t work, no problem. It’s low-pressure. Let’s move on and try something else.” That’s a really powerful mechanism to introduce new techniques, new approaches, etc. etc. Can you describe sex labs and how they work?

A sex lab you’re learning how to optimize those times when you are having sex.

Right, sex labs are ultimate sex geekery. So this is the time where we are really learning to optimize when we have sex, so one thing I want to point out is sex vs. sex lab. Sex is where you are just free-form, it is more spontaneous, maybe you have plans that you are going to have sex, but you’re just having sex. Whereas a sex lab you’re learning how to optimize those times when you are having sex. You are really going into exploration mode. It is like being a discoverer. An adventurer. An example of a sex lab that everybody can do at home is an A/B game. An A/B game would be here is touch A, and here is touch B. Maybe I’m running my fingers very very lightly over their skin, and here is touch B, and I do a bony hold and I hold them down very firmly. Which touch do you prefer? If they say A, that could be a mark for energetic. If they say B, that could be a mark for kinky. And I’m just going to keep going through the body. Here’ s touch A, I’ve got oil and I’m going over the body with long, slow strokes, and here’s touch B which may be to spank their butt. And then I make a note that says, “Oh, they said B again, and that is kinky.” Two marks for kinky, they might just be a kinky. So that is a lab.

A lab has a duration, it has a hypothesis, my hypothesis is if we go through this A/B game, your body’s responses are what your blueprint type is. What do we need for this experiment? We might need oil, sensation items, what other things might we need to do this experiment? How long are we going to do this experiment? We could do 20 minutes or we could do an hour of exploration. What are the things we are going to look for as we do this experiment? I am going to look for signs of arousal. Are there goose pimples all over the skin? Is there flushing on the lips or the chest? Is my partner moaning? What are all the different signs of arousal as I am playing with this because the body never lies. They may say “I’m not aroused,” but I look at them and I am like “Well, you have goose pimples all over and your vulva is swelling.” So obviously your body is disconnected with your mind and something is happening here. However, I am seeing the signs of arousal. So something is happening. So, during this experiment we are going to look for that. Also during the experiment we are going to look for – what touch is best? Is it A touch or B touch or whatever elements we are comparing as we go through. We are going to mark a mental note or on a piece of paper which blueprint the touch is falling under. Are they energetic? Are they a kinky? Are they a sexual? Do they just love everything? Maybe they are a shapeshifter. And at the end, we have a follow-up of what we experienced, what we learned, and what we want more of.

And so sex labs should be a regular, repeating part of a healthy sex life. That is how you expand and explore.

Absolutely. 100%. We usually schedule one a week if we are not in a challenge. We’ll do something like 90 days of oral sex and that was 90 days of sex labs straight. So, we play a lot with just doing these explorations to find new fun things. Keeps us on our toes.

So the challenges, they could be any length. You could have 90-day or a 7-day, or a 15-day, whatever. My significant other, my soulmate and I have done challenges too and they’ve been really amazing as well. A challenge – can you give a few examples of challenges, like maybe some time that involves kink?

A kinky challenge that my partner and I did – this one is fun – we did 10 days of anal training. Where I train him for anal sex, it is bend-over boyfriend play, where you do that the opposite way, with a woman. We did a 40-day thing where I dominated him and each 10 days we had a different persona. So, one thing that I did was a goddess who just wanted to be worshipped, so he was pleasing me for the entire 10 days. Or I did a wickedly kinky mistress who loved to tie him up and feed his erotic fantasies. He loved her the best. Putting on different roles really helped me. Kink was not my original language, it is not my core, so it helped me expand into that. Another one we did was playing with ropes, so just me learning rope ties, and we’ve done it both ways, so him learning ropes. We did 10 days where he owned me 24/7, that was kind of hot. I had a lot of healing to do before I could get to that point. But we had 10 days, where – I had no idea – he just owns me 24/7, he could demand me to do whatever at any point and moment throughout the day. Of course, we had some boundaries set up with that as well.

The biggest thing with role-play is just feeling really comfortable with who you already are.

Great. Wow. What about like a role-play challenge? What would be some – because that’s actually a challenge for me, because my blueprint is sexual, so role-play I have to really get outside myself and think outside the box to get these role-play scenarios. Can you give us some sample scenarios?

Sure, so the biggest thing with role-play is just feeling really comfortable with who you already are. So let’s say that you are a sexual, and role-play for a sexual is very challenging. I would say the biggest thing is to tap into who you are as an erotic being. And then name him. Tune into your own body. Find authentically, he may be an archetype already. He may be more of a casanova, that would be more of a sensual. Sexual guys are usually this very strong, dominant, just wants-to-penetrate kind of energy. How can you bring that into something you already are or into? Maybe you are a tantric Ra. And it is not acting, I want you to really think about how you move and how you speak. Inside of me I have an ice queen and she is just mean. And her emotion behind it. Maybe you have an ice king that is sort of like “I’m hot, you can’t touch me. You sit over there and admire me”. And that is part of the dominance game that can be part of kink, just playing with that “disgust” kind of energy and also the aloof energy. So that can be one scenario. With role-play I really like to set up a lot of work beforehand. How does this persona move? How do they talk? How do they dress? All of that help me move into it. But, it doesn’t have to be complicated. I never dress up during our 40-40 project with these different characters. Sometimes I would come with sweats and use my energy.

Energetics have an easier time with this because they can shapeshift and that is one thing I called was the energy of each one of these archetypes. Okay, with the goddess, I can really call into a queen energy of “I’m a queen, he’s here to serve me”. We’re going to play that way. So I tap more into my energetic and that is my access or my door. So really finding the door. One of my favorite role-play scenarios that somebody set up for me, I had a fantasy – and this is another thing. What are your partner’s fantasies? Create a safe space to talk freely and be accepting of each other’s fantasies. I had a fantasy of being a courtesan. I really wanted to be a courtesan. So I had someone set up the scenario where he was a king and he hired me as the royal courtesan to please all the men of the court. And so he dressed as different characters and came in over a 20 hour period. So I was a courtesan for 20 hours straight. He came in as a baker, and he had a costume for that. He was a baseball player at one point. All these different characters that came in. That was one of my peak erotic experiences because 1. it played into a fantasy where I got to really be in the role of being the courtesan and playing with these different men and different archetypes. And it really fed the need for variety and energy. And it was awesome. It was one of my peak erotic experiences. So there’s a role-play scenario if you want to please your shapeshifter. It is a very shapeshifter game. There’s one there.

Create a safe space to talk freely and be accepting of each other’s fantasies.

That kind of leads into the idea of adventure dates and creating this mystery and excitement and anticipation. Not just a regular date of “Let’s go to the movies and have dinner” sort of thing, but “Let’s do something totally unexpected.” You’re not even going to know where you are going to go. I might not even be on the date. You have this great example of an adventure date that you set up for your partner and you weren’t even on it! And it was a whole weekend! So maybe you can describe that, describe what adventure dates generally are.

Sure. So pay attention and I’ll break down exactly what I did. I had blocked off his schedule. I sent him a message that said “I own you for this entire weekend. Block off your calendar, adventure!” The time came, he thought this entire time that I was going with him. I packed one bag for him and in the bag were maps, a tracked cell phone (because he had to give up his cell phone and give it to me), money, snacks, and a journal. And some clothing. So I drop him at the curb at the airport. I’ve taken his cell phone, he has his wallet still, but he has nothing else with him other than his bag, this wallet, and ID. He gets in and I say, “Tickets are here, you’ll find out where you are going once you get inside the airport.” And, I leave. So there he is, left on the curb. He goes and he finds he is flying to New York. He has an overnight flight to New York. He arrives in the morning, gets picked up by a limo, the limo sends him to this restaurant, he’s walking in with Hillary Swank (I didn’t plan that part, but Hillary Swank showed up. Maybe she was in on the whole thing.) And the whole restaurant was in on it, they knew what was going on. I controlled his diet, so they had the food prepared ahead of time. So he walks in, and because everybody is in on it, it is kind of like he is this celebrity everywhere he goes. And then I send him to a male spa, he gets massages, and all these little things built in. He doesn’t know what is happening next, so he has to open up Map A and Map C and ends up just this whole weekend doing that. He did a great job the whole weekend, so he gets a big treat at the end where he got to visit a dominatrix that could do some of the things that I didn’t know how to do or couldn’t do at the time because it was too edgy for me. And so then he flew home and he was downloading and really being together. It was really amazing. And I didn’t even go on it. So that was epic, an epic adventure date. All your adventure dates do not have to be epic.

So, what the adventure dates consist of are these three things I call the passion trifecta. And this is really to build more passion in your relationship. Because all relationships that have a lot of passion and a lot of heat between them have these elements. And they are obstacles. He said one of his biggest obstacles was working with that phone because it had a very small typepad on it. Because I controlled him via text the whole time. So I’d say open up map A or go here and he had to text back. So, he said that was a big obstacle for him not having his own phone. He didn’t know what was happening next, that was a big obstacle. He wasn’t allowed to open up those envelopes until I said so. He had tons of mystery, not knowing what was going to happen. He had to trust, he had to surrender. And then novelty or naughtiness. Novelty is new, I sent him to a lot of new places and he experienced some new things.   And then naughtiness, of course. There was naughtiness built in. I sent him to a very sexy play where it was interactive, he had some opportunities to be naughty there. And then I sent him to a dominatrix, so we had this element of naughtiness within that. Every relationship that has this element of heat; you know, you’ve got Romeo and Juliet. They had mystery, they didn’t know each other well. They came from feuding families, that was their obstacle. And they had naughtiness, they broke all the rules. Everything was novel because they are at the beginning of the relationship. Now as we go along, we lose these things in our relationship, which is why passion dies. So we really need to cultivate this consciously and one of the ways we do that is through adventure dates. And they all don’t have to be epic, but we do simple ones. Last week we did an adventure date where I sent him a message earlier in the day and I said, “Hey, wear movement clothes. And be hungry.” And that was all I said. I fed him, when he came home, a small snack of some soup. Then, we went to a yoga class, where it was a private yoga class where both of us are craving more movement, so I knew that we both really wanted to do that. He’s been really stressed out so we went to a private yoga class and had the whole space to ourselves with a yoga teacher and it was really awesome and relaxing. And then we came home and I fed him some more food, and I said, “Hey, the rest of the night is yours for the next 3 hours. Do whatever you want, all on your own. But you are going to make love to me at 10 o’clock.” So that was our adventure date. And it was pretty simple, I just had to set up the yoga class and make some food.

Right. People talk about “definitely have a date night and do it regularly.” Because if you don’t schedule it, it just doesn’t happen. And then life gets in the way and so forth. It is more than that. It is not going to be passionate or creating passion just to simply have date nights once a week. You have to have these adventure dates where you work in this passion trifecta. The obstacles and the mystery and all that. It reminds me of your story, creating all this intrigue and excitement, reminds me of when I proposed to my fiancée Orion. I knew there were – I did my research and I knew there were three things that a woman wants for the engagement when the guy drops down on one knee. 1. It has to be a complete surprise. 2. She wants her nails done in advance. and 3. She wants it captured in film in some way. At least pictures if not video. I managed to get all 3. It was a complete surprise, I’d gotten her a mani-pedi beforehand. We went to Palm Springs, which is where we met. And we stayed at the same hotel where we met. She still didn’t figure out what I was up to that a proposal was coming. I’m a big fan of creating that kind of mystery and anticipation and excitement. There’s always got to be that unknown.

Have these adventure dates where you work in this passion trifecta.

Congratulations, by the way.

Oh, thank you. I’m a happy, lucky man. So I want to make sure we cover a few more topics here. Let’s move into kind of a lightning round because we are running short on time. So, just give me pretty short answers on these different topics. Let’s start with fingering techniques.

One thing I say is warm her up a lot. Everything goes back to blueprints. So if she is an energetic, just finger her energetically, don’t even penetrate, just threaten penetration. That’s going to be hot. If she is a sensual, a lot of flat-handed vulva touch and of course lots of full-body touch before you get to the fingering. Sexuals, boy you can just go for it. Kinky, you can tie them up and go for it. My favorite with the G-spot is anchoring in and then pulling towards. Friction over is not like friction in and out. It is not usually the most pleasurable because of the way a woman’s anatomy is. So you really want to make sure you are giving pressure and anchoring into the tissue, not just moving over it.

Right, right. And there is a three-fingered technique that you showed that is particularly powerful. One finger in a come hither downward and two kind of one after the other upward. What is that called? Is there a name for it?

Red Hot Touch by Jaiya and Jon Hanauer

It’s really funny, all the Plats changed the name to the 3-finger technique, but it is called the Triple Treat. And it is in my book, Red Hot Touch, if anyone wants to check that out.

Triple Treat. Love it. Monkey Breath?

Monkey Breath! Okay, so Monkey Breath is a way to disrupt the thinking brain. This is great for people stuck in the sensual shadow. I learned it from a Russian shaman who had women who were giving birth in the Black Sea and they had to get out of their heads and into their primal body. And since birth, the second stage of labor, and orgasm, are in the same part of the brain, I’m starting to use this to help people really get into that space. So, Monkey Breath is where you mix up your face, you mash it up all crazy, all different expressions and breathe chaotically. [demonstrates chaotic breathing] And you can imagine me mashing up my face as I’m doing that. And you are going to do it maybe like 5 minutes. Some people don’t have to even do it that long, just that little bit of breathing, and – wooo! You start feeling it automatically. And so it just helps short-circuit the brain from thinking all those crazy thoughts. It’s a good toggle for the sensuals, and if you are having a bad fight, it is a good state-changer as well.

Perfect. How about dirty talk?

Dirty talk. So again, dirty is going to be different for every blueprint. One of my favorite things to do is just make a list of words and read them to your partner and have them raise their hand every time a word turns them on. So, we have words like “hot pocket,” “slit,” “hole,” “vag,” “tube.” These are all words for the vagina. Or vulva. So I like to group it all together and then read 5 and then have them pick the ones they are most turned on by, and then make a note of that. And then put all of that in a sentence later. So if they are an energetic, they might like something like “I would love to merge with you and touch your yoni like the beautiful flower that it is and touch you all night long.”

That sounds good. I’m not even an energetic and that sounds good. Cool, so that’s great. And we went through that exercise, Orion and I, of words that resonated for each of us. We had lists for different types of things; intercourse, sex organs and that. It is interesting how because we are wired differently, different blueprints, the words are so different between us. Incorporating that into your vocabulary – it takes some practice. How about oral sex techniques?

Well, I love hand and mouth combinations. So if you are pleasing a woman and really licking up on her clitoral head or along her shaft while you are also doing some penetration with your fingers – and then maybe the come hither on the G-spot area where you are anchoring and then pulling it toward you. That kind of technique is usually a good winner. And if there are women listening and you want a technique for guys, anytime you can get a lot of stimulation on the shaft or have a perception as if his penis is really big, I love playing with the root of his penis, which is between the testicles and the anus. The one hand is going to be on the root of his penis, between the testicles and the anus, and your other hand is going to wrap around the shaft of his penis while your mouth is on top of that, and you are going to move it all in unison, all at the same time, up and down. That one is a really good one. It makes his penis feel really big. He likes that a lot.

Awesome, you have an entire book on oral sex.

Blow Each Other Away by Jaiya

I do. Blow Each Other Away.

That’s a great book. I have it on my bookshelf. How about OMing, orgasmic meditation?

OMing, orgasmic meditation. You can check out the organization OneTaste. OMing is an upstroke or a downstroke on the upper left quadrant of the clitoris, they say the one-thirty spot, some people say 2 o’clock. There is a whole lineage behind this, so a bunch of different schools of thought. Moore House is one, the Moore Institute. It’s a welcomed consensus. You’ll see this technique taught in a number of organizations. But oming specifically was created by OneTaste. And it is a 15-minute practice where you stroke the clitoris, mostly in an upstroke in the one-thirty position, just stroking up, up, up. There are a variety of speeds and different ways to do it. It can get more complicated. But basically just that one stroke for 15 minutes straight. I like to think of OMing more as a practice than as something – it’s not having sex, it is like a lab. And it is a practice, almost a spiritual practice for some people. And energetics really like it because it is a clean container. Sexuals really like it because it is right on their clitoris. So, it can speak to all of the blueprints, and you would ohm a little bit differently for all of the blueprints, but however, it is a profound practice. I did it for 7 days straight with my partner; it was a challenge that we did. We had an ohm coach come in and teach us. It really down-regulated my nervous system, I will tell you. I am a type-A, go-getter and it was very helpful to calm and connect and have that simple container of having my clitoris pampered.

The 4-Hour Body by Tim Ferriss

Yeah, and I know Tim Ferriss is a big fan of it. I think he dedicated a whole chapter to it, called it “the 15-minute orgasm,” in The 4-Hour Body. Cool. Is there a male version? It is really more for the woman, right?

They do teach a male version of stroking over the head of the penis. So, OneTaste does have a male version of OMing. I also have something I call Taoist erotic massage, which to me is the equivalent in my world, where the women get their ohm session every day, and the guy gets a Taoist erotic massage every week, which is something that helps reprogram the entire nervous system when it comes to – especially if you want to expand your blueprint – but when it comes to sex, it is a really great healing tool, and it is a practice for the men.

Taoist erotic massage, that is awesome. I know that one from experience. Where is that particular technique from, which book or which video?

So Taoist erotic massage was created by Joseph Kramer, you can look up Joseph Kramer, I also teach it at my workshop, so the Ignite your Passion program, it is something that I teach there. Hopefully, soon I will have more information on Taoist erotic massage coming up in my world.

Cool. So while we are talking about your workshop, the Ignite Your Passion program, let’s give some more info to our listeners on what that program is, how to get into it, and what the benefits are.

So, Ignite Your Passion was a program I started because I saw so many people who wanted love and they wanted to have an awesome sex life for a lifetime. This program is giving you – it is very comprehensive – it has six modules, each module goes through a different issue that we are dealing with and really teaches you how to take it to the next level. For example, the first module is all about the blueprints. How to uncover your blueprint, how to uncover someone else’s, feeding them, speaking them, healing them, and expanding into other blueprints. The second module really goes deep into communication, because what I see is a really big communication breakdown. A lot of people don’t know how to talk about sex. And when we do give feedback to our partner, it often comes off as critical and it creates disconnection instead of really speaking words of arousal. We want to learn in that module a lot about speaking arousal and communicating to the blueprints and also just speaking with kindness instead of criticism. That’s a really important piece. We have prioritization. A lot of couples I find just don’t have time to connect so this is creating your adventure dates and your sex labs and your challenges and getting rid of the resistances that are really keeping you from engaging and making your relationship more of a priority. We go into personas and role-play in the next module, and creating polarity, because that is really another important key to creating passion for a lifetime is really masculine/feminine dynamics, light/dark dynamics, and control/surrender dynamics. Those kinds of things. Then we look at sexual health and wellness because it is a whole picture. That’s things like, “How are your hormones doing?,” “What is your diet like?,” “What is your neurotransmitter dominance?,” so we are really looking at things like optimizing through health. And then finally we have Advanced Sex Skills and Erotic Secrets. And this is where we learn things like “Are You Clit Illiterate?” and “Are You Cliterate?” and do you know the clitoris has legs and a shaft and a head and how to play with all those parts and how to really play with the G-spot, how to have multiple orgasms for guys, or just going very deep into a lot of advanced skills. And it is a very hands-on perspective. The Ignite Your Passion program has an online element, you can also come to events, so it is a big program, it is very comprehensive. It is my favorite program out of all the programs that we have because people experience the most transformation. It is just a wealth of learning.

A lot of people don’t know how to talk about sex. And when we do give feedback to our partner, it often comes off as critical and it creates disconnection instead of really speaking words of arousal.

Oh, it is. I can vouch for that, having gone through the program myself with my love. It has just been world-expanding. It is amazing. There is a whole component related to sexual health and wellness that involves, as you said, Chinese herbs and neuro-transmitter dominance and – just so much. We really should have you back to talk on another episode because there is so much cool stuff. Let’s kind of wrap up real fast with a few more lighting round questions and then we are done. So, Chinese herbs. What do you recommend?

Okay. Well, it depends on the issue. But overall to boost libido, I love He Shou Wu, that’s one that is a favorite of mine. Eucommia is another. Erectile stuff, get some magnesium. Good, liquid magnesium. Mineral life is a good brand for that.

Perfect. And sleeping naked?

I love sleeping naked! Just make sure you are sleeping on some grounded sheets. That’s another topic.

Right, right. So connected into the grounding – like it has a wire that connects into the grounding port of your power outlet.



Tantric sex. So there is a difference between tantra and tantric sex. Just know that. It is an amazing place, especially if you are an energetic or a sensual, to really go deep. My background is in tantra. I come from the Ipsolu Tantra Kriya lineage, which is a heart-based lineage. Check it out. It is another thing that is a practice. So make sure you know that it is a practice and you can become a practitioner of that. And it is a science, so it has a formula, and it works.

Cool. And neurotransmitter dominance? What the heck is that?

Yes, so we are usually dominant in one of our neurotransmitters. This is a huge topic, hard to do in a lightning round, but there are four main ones you want to look at, and those are dopamine, serotonin, acetylcholine, and GABA.

Okay. And where would they learn to take a neurotransmitter dominance test? Or is there a book they can read?

Younger (Sexier) You by Eric R. Braverman

Dr. Braverman’s books are my favorite. Dr. Eric Braverman’s book, Younger, Sexier You and he actually has a quiz in the book where you can find out, especially specific to sex, where your neurotransmitter dominant type is.

Awesome. And then finally, sex after having a kid.

Well, I had one and it was tough. I will say it is a journey and get help. We don’t think about getting help postpartum, but it is better to have lots of people supporting you. Get help. I have a lot of resources on my website, so you can go there. That’s, check that out. Also, people can go there and take the quiz. So, if you want to go and find more about your blueprint, you can go there and take the quiz as well.

Yeah, and if they want to learn more about Ignite Your Passion, they go to

No, they go to And I have a gift on there, it is a webinar about the blueprints and they can find out more about the program there. So

Perfect. Alright. Well, thank you so much Jaiya, this has been so mind-expanding and heart-expanding, and sex-expanding. It has been great. Well, I hope all of our listeners take this stuff and apply it because it is great knowledge, but if you don’t do anything with it, there is no benefit. So thanks again Jaiya, thank you listeners, and we will catch you on the next episode. I’m Stephan Spencer, your host of Get Yourself Optimized.

Important Links

Checklist of Actionable Takeaways

?Learn your sexual blueprint by checking out and completing her quiz.

?Do a sex lab! A simple A/B test can be a great way to tune into exactly what your partner desires and start having better sex ASAP.

?Try a pleasure wave for sex that really takes advantage of the appeal of “teasing.”

?Having trouble shutting off your brain? Do Monkey Breath for 5 minutes before a sexual experience.

?Or, have your partner (or you) try bony handles to feel more comfortable in the sexual experience.

?Want to explore a new side of your sexuality? Try a sex challenge of a new style or move!

?Achieve a higher level of sensation during oral sex by incorporating both mouth and hands.

?Try the hook method to dig into the G-spot for better sensation for fingering a woman.

?Try role-play to tap into the other sides of your sexuality and move beyond your sexual blueprint more comfortably.

?Set up an adventure date for you and your partner (or just your partner!) to inject new passion into your relationship.

About Miss Jaiya

Jaiya is one of the most progressive and well educated sexual wellness experts. She works with couples and singles to help them overcome intimacy issues, deepening connection, and communication, leading to the creation of more fulfilling relationships. Jaiya holds certifications as a Somatic Sexologist, Sexological Bodyworker, and Tantra Teacher. When Random House needed their newest sex expert they sought out Jaiya and she co-authored the book Red Hot Touch: A Head To Toe Handbook for Mind-Blowing Orgasms with her co-teacher Jon Hanauer. Together they also created their best-selling, award-winning DVD series by the same title. Jaiya strives to eradicate sexual shame and invites those she works with to explore how much pleasure they can possibly experience.

Disclaimer: The medical, fitness, psychological, mindset, lifestyle, and nutritional information provided on this website and through any materials, downloads, videos, webinars, podcasts, or emails is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical/fitness/nutritional advice, diagnoses, or treatment. Always seek the help of your physician, psychologist, psychiatrist, therapist, certified trainer, or dietitian with any questions regarding starting any new programs or treatments, or stopping any current programs or treatments. This website is for information purposes only, and the creators and editors, including Stephan Spencer, accept no liability for any injury or illness arising out of the use of the material contained herein, and make no warranty, express or implied, with respect to the contents of this website and affiliated materials.


live life to the max

How Optimized Are You?



Please consider leaving me a review with Apple, Google or Spotify! It'll help folks discover this show and hopefully we can change more lives!

Rate and Review

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *


How to Bring About the Shift with Shara Ogin
Biohacking Baldness with Dr. Alan Bauman
Journey to Self-Healing with Cathleen King
almost there

xFill in Your Name and Email, and Access Your Free Diagnostic Assessment

Upon completing the assessment we will email your personalized results Privacy Policy


Lorem ipsum

live life to the max

How Optimized Are You?

Give me 9 minutes and I'll give you a map to a fully optimized YOU Start Optimizing